It was the worst of times, it was the best of times.....
December 31, 2020:
I woke up this morning, smacked the alarm and did what everyone seems to be doing in 2020, got lost in the dopamine fountain that is social media. There it was, the Facebook Memory of 2015...
“2015 was the year of loss, truly the worst year of my life thus far. I lost the best job I ever had, my dad and my marriage. I am putting into the universe that 2016 will be the year of achievement and acceptance. If I say it, it must be true”
I paused. I reflected back. Perspective is everything. If you asked me today I would say that was the most painful year of my life but also the most important year of my life. Those three losses paved the way for my freedom.
2016 was the year of acceptance. My new role was as Clinical Director for one of the largest behavioral healthcare companies in the country. I quickly learned that I was working for a system I no longer believed in. One that created barriers to access instead of removing them.
My father passing just weeks into that job was traumatic for so many reasons; the biggest being that he died as a gruesome death as a result of a medical error in a skilled nursing home, where he had lived for many years, suffering with early onset dementia. I was able to take all of my case management and advocacy skills and use my relationships at the state to successfully file a neglect case with the Depart of Community Health. That complaint paved the way for a lawsuit which found a number of undisclosed issues with the facility and left me with a settlement that allowed me to sit down and think about what I really wanted to contribute to the world and what I truly needed from the world. Losing my marriage was scary and painful. But my then 17 year old kid said something as we were driving one day in 2016 after seeing me outside of the marriage for about six months, “Mom, you must have felt like a caged animal all of those years”. I did kid, I truly did. 2016 was indeed the year of acceptance and what I accepted was that I was not going to be anyone but me from now on. My achievement of 2016 was realizing that I did not have to do it the way I always had. I did not have to climb a corporate ladder and meet other people’s expectations. I did not have to perform Nickie for 10 hours a day in an effort to make a paycheck. I did not have to “settle down” or conform to the expectations of a partner in order to be loved and connected to other human beings. 2016 was the year I said “FUCK IT” and went back to MY values, MY standards, MY beliefs, and MY boundaries. So 2015 was not the worst year ever, it was the year I needed to be the man I am today.
Fast forward (and omitting a ton of details) here we are today, December 31, 2020. It would be so easy to make another “worst year ever post”. Arguably this year has been the worst. So many have suffered unnecessarily at the hands of an invisible virus and a system that has never worked despite the delusion many of us had that it did. But I will not fall into the trap of labeling it the worst year. By honoring the ways that it was the best year ever I can break myself from this fatigue, from this collective sadness, even if just for a few brief moments. In 2020 I have helped more people discover themselves and heal their relationships than ever before (and I have touched thousands of lives in my career y’all). I have supervised six amazing therapists and mentored many more. I have supported two other trans therapists to say “FUCK IT” to the system and open their own practice because no one should wait as long as I did to follow their dreams. I have been able to hire three additional queer contractors to support my business behind the scenes. I have a beautiful, smart, soon to be nesting partner who tries so very hard to take care of me, create a home for us and love me despite all of the challenges of partnering with a therapist, a person in transition and a person who is healing from themself and their trauma. I have two other partners who fill roles in my life that help me thrive. Loving and caring for me despite the distance and challenges we have all faced in 2020 and my soul being drained due to my job. I have a beautiful child who is discovering the world as an adult, choosing to work in a hospital at near minimum wage during a pandemic because her clinicals are being held online and she wanted to ensure she would be prepared for the role she has chosen. I have a family spread out across the country who doesn’t care if I am joyful, angry, happy or sad, they show up, answer my calls, listen to my noise. I have countless colleagues who have my back and support my professional goals. I have friends who show up when I am in need simply because they want to help me. I have a home, a car, food in my belly and funds in my account. I have so much in a time when it is so easy to only see what I miss or grieve or have lost.
It can be so easy for us to categorically assign words like “worst year ever” to a year filled with grief and loss and suffering and pain, but haven’t we all been doing that since March? I ask you, with the intention of positive mental health and prosperity in mind, what was the best of 2020? What did you learn? What did you gain? Who did you love and who loved you? What pleasure did you experience? What barriers did you overcome? What goals did you achieve? Because one day your Facebook is going to pop up and remind you what you thought was the worst of times was the foundation for the best of times...why wait? Let’s honor those moments now.
If you are reading this, thank you. If you are here, you support me as an individual and Modern Path as a team. If you support us you are helping us to help others. It is my hope for you and yours that you find safety, health, prosperity and pleasure in each of your days, even the “worst” ones.
May 2021 bring you emotional and physical health, safety and pleasure.
-Nick