Building Resiliency Skills on International Pronouns Day

The third Wednesday of October is International Pronouns Day. Last year our post focused on helping cisgender folks understand the basics of pronouns and why using the correct pronouns is important. This year I would like to focus on how gender minorities can work to increase resilience and self-compassion. 

For most trans and gender expansive folks, when someone uses the right pronouns it results in a feeling of euphoria and validation. It makes my day when someone uses  “Sir” or “he” in conversation with me, especially someone from whom I do not expect it. Despite knowing all that I know about gender, each time I get misgendered, it breaks my spirit just a little bit. Even the most knowledgeable and confident of us can’t help but internalize that experience. 

So what do we do? How do we keep a positive outlook AND maintain our boundaries? Here are some ideas you can try to help maintain strength, compassion, and feel empowered. 

Communicate your expectations

Whether it is with family members, friends, or strangers, the first step is to communicate your expectations. Practice in spaces where it feels safe, easy with little to no risk. You can work your way up to bigger risks as you feel more confident. Let folks know what pronouns you want them to use and why. Not everyone will listen but it is important for you to speak up and let your needs be known.

Let folks know how long you feel you can give them to get it right. Your gender expression impacts everyone around you, yes, but YOUR experience should be centered. If your family or friends need some time and space to adjust, give them some guidelines, “I know it is hard for you to adjust how you perceive me. After a month if you get my pronouns wrong I expect you to acknowledge how it impacts me and take steps to improve.”

Come up with a plan

There are always times when folks won’t get it right. Some because they refuse and others because they are trying their best and made a mistake. Acknowledge the discomfort. If it is a safe person, acknowledge it out loud, “I am disappointed that you did not use my correct pronouns”. If it doesn’t feel safe to say it out loud, say it to yourself. I think many folks get stuck in this narrative of “It’s ok” or “they are trying” as a way to shake it off. That narrative can be a form of emotional self-harm. It can result in an internalized expectation of rejection and reinforce the behavior of the person who is misgendering you.

Once you acknowledge the discomfort, engage in a little bit of self-care by making a statement of self-validation. This can be silent or out loud. Again you decide what feels safest. “I am a man” or “My gender is valid” or “This person does not define me” are easy ones to remember. 

Who's on your team?

Some days are tougher than others. Everyday stress can wear us down. Have some folks on your team who will speak up on your behalf when you need a little extra love and care. 

Take some time to talk about it ahead of time. “Hey we are going to a party tonight and I am feeling anxious about so many people after a hard week. Do you think you could help folks get my pronouns right?” 

Then leave it up to that person to do the introductions that evening. Having a few trusted people in your life to do some of the educating and advocacy for you from time to time can minimize some of the stress. Don’t become reliant on them, but do ask for help when and where you need it.

Model the behavior you want from others

Modeling the behavior we want to see in others is another way to express your needs. For example, when I am at a restaurant, I speak up first. I introduce myself to the waitstaff, “Hi I am Nick, please use Sir. How would you like to be addressed?” Or when I am in the grocery line I do not say, “Thank you, Sir.” I say, “Thank you, Andrew.” I do not know Andrew’s gender identity and Andrew’s employer is kind enough to provide me Andrew’s name. As your cis friends and family members to get on board and do the same. 

Keep it up!

Trust me, I know it can get exhausting. When you stay consistent with your boundaries and expressing your needs to others it builds confidence and increases connectedness and resilience. The more you practice speaking up and letting folks know your pronouns and how to address you using the language that makes you happy the less exhausting and more empowering it will become.